For the last two days I have been thinking about posting something. But I can't make up my mind about what.
I am becoming too conscious about my own writing. Perhaps because I love to visit blogs where people express themselves wonderfully in writing.
I begin to believe there is a real age crisis. I am questioning everything and I have been too worried about facial miracle creams, something I never cared before in my life.
I miss my mother, that died two years ago. She gave up, she stoped eating and then I think about her widower and how sad he still is, living alone in that big house in Mexico. And then I think, that I will never say my age again, I will tell people: "I am between 40 and death". I read this somewhere and I thought it was a wonderful answer.
I know that these worries come from working most of my time with people younger than me. Besides my husband that is my age, most people I know are 15 to 20 years younger. I miss having friends my own age, with whom I can talk about this "age crisis". Friends that can understand that the older we get the more baggage we carry. Perhaps this "crisis" is about growing. It is a confrontation with the self, a time for thinking and evaluating our attitudes towards others and life. A last chance to learn to be happy and have joy in things we take from granted.
Since I came back from Holland, these thoughts are inside me constantly. I have been having problems being disciplined. I have thousand of projects to prepare and here I am musing about this "crisis", instead of working.
Crisi
From Ancient Greek κρίσις ( krisis ) "a separating, power of distinguishing, decision, choice, election, judgment, dispute" < κρίνω ( krino ) "to pick out, to choose, to decide, to judge".
-a crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point
-an unstable situation, in political, social, economic or military affairs, especially one involving an impending abrupt change
-a sudden change in the course of a disease, usually at which the patient is expected to recover or die
-a traumatic or stressful change in a person's life
-a point in a drama at which a conflict reaches a peak before being resolved
Without crisis, there is no change, no learning. Therefore I embrace my crisis :-)
In this next video, this man is absolutely in crisis. The editing is made in a way that reminds me of an avantgarde short film, made by a woman that unfortunately I forgot her name, that repeated constantly: "I am sorry". This is not a master piece, but is so funny (WARNING: there is a lot of swearing). For real avant-garde films go to: ubu.com
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4 comments:
I keep meaning to comne back and leave you a proper comment on this - but if I wait until I have time to get my head together, it'll never happen (too busy preparing for a show that opens on Tuesday).
Suffice it to say that I can relate to this soooo well. I think we're a similar age; something happened at around 50 - 51 for me (i'll be 52 in a couple of weeks). As though it's downhill all the way now. Well, maybe not all the way, but I've become aware in these recent years how the time left is diminishing every day; less and less time to do and be all those things I once might have dreamed of. Kind of a now-or-never feeling.
Odd too being in a working environment where I'm senior in years, yet most of those above me in the heirarchy are significantly younger. I don't necessarily mind that - status has never mattered to me - nevertheless, that too seems to signify that it's too late now even if I wanted to try and achieve a higher position. Which I don't. But knowing it's no longer an option is feeling the squeeze of constraint which the years impose. Softly now, but with a much tighter grip in years to come.
Hmmm... I didn't mean that to sound so depressing. But I guess that just reflects the reality of these fears.
If we are fortunate, wisdom and peace come with that crisis, which leads to a joy that previous could not be even imagined. Again, it has to do with grace, with harmony, with allowing oneself to let go, in order to make room for the new, the new that you will never achieve unless you have lived and experienced as long as you have.
I hope that doesn't sound all new age-y and woowoo, for I quite despise such attitudes and approaches.
You are still free to ignore what you are told to be anxious about. It's hard, very hard, and many of us are not in a position to take hold of that freedom. But you, my dear one, certainly are.
There is a freedom in dropping so many obligations to 'please,' that are forced upon a younger person, particularly a woman. And one's sense of humor matters more, which helps one remain good, and even better, company -- to oneself as well as to others.
For a woman, remaining entangled in the commercial world's determination that you must be determined to remain always youthful -- it is toxic in the extreme. Not only for the individual woman, but for our culture. But then, just about everything in our culture is toxic, which is why it is tipping us off, via global warming.
As you know, I so often come across as more peaceful than I seem, yet, slowly, I feel the striving is having fruits. Political action is always good for this!
This is perhaps the primary reason people become hysterical about having children -- their children keep them feeling needed, and at the same time they can transfer all their own youthful desires and ambitions to their children, which saves them from their own anxieties about growing older and its inevitable conclusion. I really understand how one's grandchildren provide a peace and an acceptance and sense of purposeful joy to life worth having lived.
Those of us who have chosen a different path will receive these joys in other ways.
Love, C.
Andy:
Not depressing at all Andy, but a reality. Yes I am your age too and although I have always being worried about age because of my profession, this past year, this worry has become like almost a conflict.
This confrontation hasn’t come from within, but from comments of others or the way other makes me feel, as if I have become “the other” or in other words “the older”. Even my achievements are commented with praise that is sour, like 1- you still dance so well, it is unbelievable at your age or 2- It is admirable that at your age you are studying again or 3- For your age you look so young. I know people mean well, but “at your age”, spoils everything. As if everything is measured according to “that age”. Many times I have to respond: “hey, I can be older, but I am still not dead”.
This ageism is really irritating. We become too conscious of time, instead of being proud of what we have learnt and of our achievements. If we are lucky, we will all cross through all the different stages in a healthy way and still full of projects and dreams. But the times when the elder were admired, is long time gone. I ask myself if these crises would not exist if ageism didn’t exist.
Good luck Andy for Tuesday or better said: “break a leg”!! :-)
Fox:
“…allowing oneself to let go, in order to make room for the new, the new that you will never achieve unless you have lived and experienced as long as you have.”
To let go, exactly, I also would add, to let go of preconceptions. And no it doesn’t sound new-age or whatever you call “woowoo”, first time I hear this expression and it sound extremelly funny ;-)(translation please)
“…remaining entangled in the commercial world's determination that you must be determined to remain always youthful -- it is toxic in the extreme. Not only for the individual woman, but for our culture”
I feel that men are also now trapped in this commercial world of being younger; there is a lot of money involved. The car industry exploits it, as well as travel agencies and now there are even beauty creams for men.
I agree Fox that what is toxic for the individual, is toxic for the culture. We are all part of the making of this culture.
I want to write so much more, but I am falling asleep.
Good night! :-)
Woowoo -- You know, an attitude that everything is wonderful and we're all one, and let's group hug and change world, and the right colored crystal will set your soul vibrating to the cosmic hum -- that kind of thing. Ugh. I hate that!
In the meantime I wrote, o, so MANY words, describing our Baryshinkov night. It's all about dance and performance and encoded signifcations of our body's language, gestures and attitude.
Love, Fox
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