I Should

I hate to use the word should, but I always use it…ugh…smart me…where is the hammer?

I have this work I have to finish for my Masters, I travel in a week and I am very….extremely……astronomically late! Yes, I have my reasons, I have not stopped working at all, and by the way there were not even real vacations all this year.Ok….ok….this is no excuse, I should finish this work before the 7th.

I was going to begin working on this paper the 23rd. I didn’t, after sleeping one hour and going to the Airport twice to leave my performers; I was suffering a kind of jet-lag after 4 o’clock in the afternoon…so tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I thought that I deserved to become catatonic in front of a solitaire game that lasted almost the whole day! Ok…I was tired. Anyway it was Christmas eve, something I had forgotten.
The 25th came…..mhh…. it was the wine’s fault.
At last the 26th I really began working, the "should" became an action, same thing the 27th…until I realized I had forgotten to do some paper work for the grant I received this year!!! PANIC!!! I had one day to do it….I didn’t even responded to one phone call….I suddenly didn’t exist.
Next day, everything was taken care of, I took the important papers and I was relieved. Then I had to meet two colleagues that needed to give me a receipt about the payment they received from “La Marmita”…alias I.
I had a good talk with a friend about some heavy past misunderstandings, I felt better for one second, then I sank into a deep depression for two days, looking for help in the Internet for my deep pain, while thinking: I should continue writing that paper….I need time for someone to correct it…English is not my language!!.................what if I kill myself, like this I resolve everything….but how? It is not as easy at it seems, like going to the pharmacy and telling the man: Do you have a pill that kills instantly and with no effort?
Ok…today is here, after hours of procrastination at last I wrote a thousand words….now I got distracted again writing this entrance in this blog……..ok it is the 31st. I should be celebrating, instead of being in front of this computer. I should ………………………..

I should just stop making a big deal about everything. My intensity tires me.

Andrea, stop writing and open that bottle of wine….by the way you should also learn to write.

Fog

I am watching the fog over the ocean that stubbornly stays touching the waves, ignoring the wind who wants to sweep it away.
I am closing a chapter, a chapter of my life.
I realized in the last days that I have been stubbornly ignoring that it is time to grow. I have been oblivious to my own qualities and depending too much in the appreciation and love of others.
I feel so sad; I have been looking for so long at the wrong wall.
But no, there is no love out there, I am just the choreographer. The person that creates and gives a job, the person that organizes and pays. Is this wrong? No, it is the way it is, I just have been ignoring that it is a fact.
I should begin to love myself, beginning with a big hug and telling myself: “Andrea, you did it” and be proud of myself. But while I keep searching for appreciation and love, I will keep staying blind to my own achievements.
Two months ago my demons exposed themselves in front of me; I was hurt, very hurt and confused. And this hurt continued, until I hit rock bottom. I know I have two options, to sink or to change. But to be able to change, I have to close this chapter and turn the page. If I don’t do it, I will keep hurting myself.




SMILE AWAY THE PAINS

Though gray streaks of sorrow
Permeate our hearts
Today we shall roll our carts
Before the sun be blue, we’ll borrow
Sunbeams to shine our smile
And away with all the terrible bile
Of regrets and pains
That pierce so deep
Like the rains
Of tiny needles
On our hearts.

Away with all the night sprites
That haunt our bedsides when we sleep
And fill our minds with frights.

The sunshine has been drawn!
Smile for our new dawn
Of great hopes,
Away from the mires
Of depression bathing the fires
Of unhappiness and despairs
That bind our beings like ropes…
Smile away the pains.

Francis Ohanyido