I Should

I hate to use the word should, but I always use it…ugh…smart me…where is the hammer?

I have this work I have to finish for my Masters, I travel in a week and I am very….extremely……astronomically late! Yes, I have my reasons, I have not stopped working at all, and by the way there were not even real vacations all this year.Ok….ok….this is no excuse, I should finish this work before the 7th.

I was going to begin working on this paper the 23rd. I didn’t, after sleeping one hour and going to the Airport twice to leave my performers; I was suffering a kind of jet-lag after 4 o’clock in the afternoon…so tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I thought that I deserved to become catatonic in front of a solitaire game that lasted almost the whole day! Ok…I was tired. Anyway it was Christmas eve, something I had forgotten.
The 25th came…..mhh…. it was the wine’s fault.
At last the 26th I really began working, the "should" became an action, same thing the 27th…until I realized I had forgotten to do some paper work for the grant I received this year!!! PANIC!!! I had one day to do it….I didn’t even responded to one phone call….I suddenly didn’t exist.
Next day, everything was taken care of, I took the important papers and I was relieved. Then I had to meet two colleagues that needed to give me a receipt about the payment they received from “La Marmita”…alias I.
I had a good talk with a friend about some heavy past misunderstandings, I felt better for one second, then I sank into a deep depression for two days, looking for help in the Internet for my deep pain, while thinking: I should continue writing that paper….I need time for someone to correct it…English is not my language!!.................what if I kill myself, like this I resolve everything….but how? It is not as easy at it seems, like going to the pharmacy and telling the man: Do you have a pill that kills instantly and with no effort?
Ok…today is here, after hours of procrastination at last I wrote a thousand words….now I got distracted again writing this entrance in this blog……..ok it is the 31st. I should be celebrating, instead of being in front of this computer. I should ………………………..

I should just stop making a big deal about everything. My intensity tires me.

Andrea, stop writing and open that bottle of wine….by the way you should also learn to write.