I think I will relax now

Well that is what I thought, but I didn’t.

Last year was crazy, we follow our dream and suddenly there it is and then it is too much. Who understands us humans? Gosh, we are so complicated, or perhaps it is just me.

Every year I present a project for the Ministry of Culture to get support, the last years I have been lucky, as it also helps me to pay the rent of my performing space. But this year I thought because I had to write the dissertation, that I was going to relax. When the Ministry of Culture announced that we could begin to send the new proposals, I told my colleague “This time I need to concentrate in my dissertation”, she panicked and asked “And how are you going to pay the rent”, so I had to forget about relaxing and began to work in both things. I thought I was not going to get support as just three projects were going to be contemplated in the whole north. But hey, I got a letter “you will have support for your project”. Well… ok…I will relax later..

I can’t believe I did both things, I finished my dissertation (in panic) and I created a whole new production (in panic), but I did it. This was in November…December came…now really, really, I will relax…oh no!!...I had forgotten I had the whole month with projects with another association, workshops and performances which is one of the few things that pays..ok..so I will relax in January…but I couldn’t, although I forced myself to just do solitaires and travel aimlessly through the net, but how I could rest when inside my head were all the list of things I had to do. The new applications for the Ministry of culture opened at the same time that I needed to apply for another organization, three projects: dance-theatre, music and a project to be supported as a group. I had also to rehearse as I have this tour to Mexico, but nope, no relaxation when the head is busy thinking about what you have to do.

I take the plane on Sunday, and I am sure I will relax then…oh wait, I am afraid of flying

Some pictures from these last months:

December, finishing taking down the lights and cleaning the space. These two princesses are my producer (to the right) and a video artist that for my performances was in charge of dealing with the projector as I was too nervous watching at my performers (lol). By the way I am very proud of this place for the public, last six months ago were only chairs..improvement !! Ok I don't like those brown things



Same girls on stage, above is my light designer fighting with some cables, I am just taking pictures ;-)



This is the apartment of Reinhild Hoffmann, I worked with her for many years and my dissertation was about her work, so I went to Berlin in August to interview her, she was incredibly generous and I loved how she has her bookshelves, I wanted to do something like this at home as I have too many books, I think it looks great



This is a historical picture, getting drunk with Reinhild Hoffmann and Susanne Linke, I had so much fun with them both, we are all crazy. To my right (I am the one showing too many teeth), is my friend Sveine from Iceland and her producer.

I am back

Slowly...as I have so much to write and to update...but to begin with... some pictures




A nice sunset from my balcony

I adopted a new dog, I can't believe it, the neighbour wanted to abandon him, so hey another one.



He has been a joy to my other two old dogs .




It was a very good decision for everybody...more later

Messy Gabi and Iceland

It has been so long since I post something here, that I don’t know where to begin. Perhaps I can do it by acknowledging, that I am a complete mess.

I used to be very organized and therefore I could create in advance a new piece. But lately I jump from one project to the next with poor results and then I panic that I will not have enough time to finish it. The point is that I know how to resolve this and I don’t do it, I continue to have self-defeating behaviours, like been addicted now to Yahoo Answers, that is actually highly addictive and a waste of time, so please don’t go there.

I should be so happy, I got support again from the Ministry of Culture, but between the programs in my space which I have to create and perform myself because of lack of money, my dissertation and now the new supported project, it seems just like too much, especially that I continue to be my own worst secretary. At least for the project for the Ministry of Culture I will be able to hire an assistant.


Anyway, I should be happy and I know the only problem is that I am not organizing myself. Perhaps I am getting scared of not being able to do these projects with quality, as they are perhaps to many for one person.

Ok.....

I don't want to think about this now....

Perhaps tomorrow...

Now I post some more pictures of Iceland. I was there last week, I went for a friend's wedding, I loved it there. Almost no one, just the kind of place I like, perfect for a not very sociable person as myself (lol)

During the week I hope to post something more interesting than just this complain...I will think about this also later.



p.s. Thank you Andy ;-)

Film that makes a difference

A sculpture in Utrecht, I loved it, so happy :-)

I tried to send this to several friends, but for some reason some got it as SPAM! Arrghhh..so I decided to post it here. Warning, it will make you cry

Film that makes a difference

Space Photos

Why I feel I have to write? I don't feel like it
Why then I feel it has to be intelligent? Who said so?...mhh...my mother used to say it...mhh...perhaps that is why I ask the question. What is wrong to allow ourselves to show to the world the part of us that is not smart at all ;-) Or that at least that is the way we learnt to see it. Perhaps being conscious of being not smart/intelligent is the proof that we are smart/intelligent......at the end who cares? It is about being happy with the tools we have...I feel better then..do I?

I needed to post something and I found this great pictures for the ones that like the thrill of sending a rocket to the sky.

Space Photos

Pictures from Holland

I just came back, I am exhausted and decided to do NOTHING today. It comes quiet handy because anyway it is cloudy, cold and rainy. Amazing that in Holland many days were up to 28 degrees!

Work went well and I managed to control my nerves during a presentation, it is worse than performing! I had to rehearse and rehearse, especially talking... s l o w l y...I managed...pure discipline! lol

Now just the dissertation, plus all the projects I have for new choreographies, but i will not think about this today ;-)

Some pictures:

This is the University



My group, small but wonderful:



View across the school's street:



Utrecht:

Last Time I Go to Holland

My town seen from another town

I mean to the University, after these next two weeks, then I will have just the dissertation. In the mean time.............

Check list:

1- Suitcase= done
2- Books= are there
3- Notebook=also
4- Thousand copies of my essay=everywhere
5- Passport= ok...I need a better picture by the way
6- Video for my presentation= a hundred copies
7- Presentation= AHHHHHHHHHHHHH....it is the FIRST time I will make one, I practice and I sound like retarded lol

Mood:

Entering into panic, self-doubt mixed with tons of negativity.

Mood 2:

The same

Thoughts:

I need a vacation

P.S:

See you all soon!

:-)

P.s. 2: Fox if you read this, I will try to write from Holland but I am not sure if I will have the time, if not I will do it when I come back, muah

Clouds and Seagulls

I don't know why in this last month I have been fascinated by clouds and seagulls, I have taken so many pictures but with my small unprofessional camera, well few are good. Perhaps they will look nice over the black background.

Bird

It was passed from one bird to another,

the whole gift of the day.

The day went from flute to flute,

went dressed in vegetation,

in flights which opened a tunnel

through the wind would pass

to where birds were breaking open

the dense blue air -

and there, night came in.

When I returned from so many journeys,

I stayed suspended and green

between sun and geography -

I saw how wings worked,

how perfumes are transmitted

by feathery telegraph,

and from above I saw the path,

the springs and the roof tiles,

the fishermen at their trades,

the trousers of the foam;

I saw it all from my green sky.

I had no more alphabet

than the swallows in their courses,

the tiny, shining water

of the small bird on fire

which dances out of the pollen.

Pablo Neruda

He Tells Of The Perfect Beauty

O CLOUD-PALE eyelids, dream-dimmed eyes,

The poets labouring all their days

To build a perfect beauty in rhyme

Are overthrown by a woman's gaze

And by the unlabouring brood of the skies:

And therefore my heart will bow, when dew

Is dropping sleep, until God burn time,

Before the unlabouring stars and you.

William Butler Yeats

Internet Friends

Lisboa-Oriente train station

I think the wonder of the Internet is the incredible capability of making friends. Since I began to surf and feeling more comfortable with this communication method, soon I began to develop friends and many have stayed my pen pals -or should we say keyword pals- through the years. We have laughed and cried together, discussed from cooking to politics, from art to the weather in our own corner of the world, while we furiously type our faceless words. Fore some years, I keep these friends who I cherish so much and who have a special place in my life, but it was just until a couple of months ago that I met in person one of them.

Clouds In Lisbon

She was travelling with her husband to Paris; I was working in a project in Germany and found this very cheap ticket who could take me back and forth to Paris in one day.
I was nervous to meet her, the question I always asked myself: “Are we the way we write”, was in front of me. I was nervous in how she was going to perceive me in real life, as I was nervous in how I would feel with her face to face. I was so happy to realize, that not just she was more intelligent and funnier than her writing, but that she was an incredible warm person. It was a great experience and yes I could say, we are more than our writing, the eyes, the dace expression, our voice and body language are there. Yes it seems, obvious all this, but in this age when we many people in this way, I still feel surprised.

Church in Beja

A couple of days ago I met another friend, the same insecurity feelings were there, and the same questions. I travelled to the south, to Lisbon and from there to Beja just to have lunch with him, and the same magic happened. I had a wonderful time and we laughed so much and felt we knew each other for a long time, in a way we do. I was not wrong about him, as I was not wrong about my American friend.
These successful meetings make me curious about gathering with so many others; I would need a ticket to travel around the world.

Clouds in Beja

Thank you Andy

He shared with me this video that I find awesome!
I post other links as well, videos that I have bookmarked, that I find interesting, strange or funny.



This is not a Film, amazing animation based on the paintings of Magritte

Treadmills Dancing, this is very funny and it was filmed in just one take.

Play, part I, for the ones that like Samuel Beckett

Pachelbel Rant, A comedian rants about how much he hates to play Pachelbel's Canon in D, very funny.

Ideas on Vacation

In La Marmita blog, I posted something about creativity. If I am honest, I am trying to be creative and I am panicking, because nothing comes to my mind and I wonder if there is a moment where ideas decide to go for a long vacation, taking little luggage with items of the imagination. Yes I can see my ideas dressed in yellow (I don’t know why yellow), packing items stored in the shelves of imagination and going out of my brain in a stampede, like little children going to the beach.

Ok. I let them go, but then here I stay with tons of paper looking at me with boring eyes, lots of scribbles that for a strange reason I can’t understand and an effort to concentrate. I talk to myself in this way:

Ok Andrea concentrate!.........Andrea begins to concentrate
Tick, tock, tick, tock……..Nothing
Andrea looks at her watch, waits……Nothing
She decides to close her eyes so that in this relax state some miracle will happen…….she falls asleep.

I just hope that my ideas come back rested from their trip to the Ocean of Inventions.

Advantages of Being a Woman Artist

Working without the pressures of success
Not having to be in shows with men
Having an escape from the art world in your 4 free-lance jobs
Knowing your career might pick up after you’re eighty
Being reassured that whatever kind of art you make it will be labelled feminine
Not been stuck in a tenure teaching position
Seeing your ideas live on the work of others
Having the opportunity to choose between career and motherhood
Not having to choke on those big cigars or paint in Italian suites
Having more time to work when your mate dumps you for someone younger
Being included in revised versions of art history
Not having to undergo the embarrassment of being called a genius
Getting your picture in the art magazines with a gorilla suit

A public service message from the Guerilla Girls conscience of the art world

Doll Face

I love animation, this one is superb. The idea so simple and so well made. It reminds me of a theatre teacher that used to say: "Don't create something complicated and uninteresting. Create something simple and wonderful".

Private Opinions

Amarante- Portugal- Taken by Andrea


Filtering reality is a universal process, but according to Lorna Marshall in her book, The Body Speaks, it is not experienced in a universal manner. She states, that we sometimes assume that the world looks exactly the same to each one of us. But in fact, we perceive every moment and every same situation slightly different to another individual. In addition, “whatever is perceived will not be interpreted identically; people do not place information within the same framework of importance.”
Our opinions of others are affected by the upbringing we got from our family or society. It sounds simplistic, but seldom are we aware of it. We just react, because we are identifying with our certain society.
So again to quote Marshall , “there is one important thing to understand about socialization. It is a process of selection; ‘this way’ rather tan all the ‘other’ ways. So we accept and we discard the rest. We can’t deal with too much information. But many of us can step aside form this norm and try new alternatives and ways of engaging with this world.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I just finished reading this book. I didn't like the style of writing, but I found the story fascinating, especially the process of becoming a geisha. I had never thought so much about this theme and I found it very interesting, as I find fascinating the lives of western cortesans. It makes me think about how much life has changed for women. Before, without the protection of men, be it father, husband or a lover, the only way to survive was to become a prostitute.

I looked for the film in the Internet, the music by John Williams is very beautiful

I also found an interesting site about their history: geisha and mako

Now back to the novel. While reading the book I was imaging it would make a much better film. Well there was a film that opened on December of 2005 and won three prizes. I missed this someway, where was I? The picture I posted is from that film, that now I am extremely curious to watch.

They say that, the film was banned in China because Chinese actresses play Japanese geisha. The national film board and the Office for the Administration of Radio, Film and Television claimed that it was banned because the storyline is "too sensitive".

This picture title is: "Geisha at Gov. Uchida's luncheon,
Tokyo - Dec. 9, 1911" taken by William Welch.

Crisis: A Turning Point

For the last two days I have been thinking about posting something. But I can't make up my mind about what.
I am becoming too conscious about my own writing. Perhaps because I love to visit blogs where people express themselves wonderfully in writing.

I begin to believe there is a real age crisis. I am questioning everything and I have been too worried about facial miracle creams, something I never cared before in my life.
I miss my mother, that died two years ago. She gave up, she stoped eating and then I think about her widower and how sad he still is, living alone in that big house in Mexico. And then I think, that I will never say my age again, I will tell people: "I am between 40 and death". I read this somewhere and I thought it was a wonderful answer.

I know that these worries come from working most of my time with people younger than me. Besides my husband that is my age, most people I know are 15 to 20 years younger. I miss having friends my own age, with whom I can talk about this "age crisis". Friends that can understand that the older we get the more baggage we carry. Perhaps this "crisis" is about growing. It is a confrontation with the self, a time for thinking and evaluating our attitudes towards others and life. A last chance to learn to be happy and have joy in things we take from granted.

Since I came back from Holland, these thoughts are inside me constantly. I have been having problems being disciplined. I have thousand of projects to prepare and here I am musing about this "crisis", instead of working.

Crisi

From Ancient Greek κρίσις ( krisis ) "a separating, power of distinguishing, decision, choice, election, judgment, dispute" < κρίνω ( krino ) "to pick out, to choose, to decide, to judge".

-a crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point
-an unstable situation, in political, social, economic or military affairs, especially one involving an impending abrupt change
-a sudden change in the course of a disease, usually at which the patient is expected to recover or die
-a traumatic or stressful change in a person's life
-a point in a drama at which a conflict reaches a peak before being resolved

Without crisis, there is no change, no learning. Therefore I embrace my crisis :-)

In this next video, this man is absolutely in crisis. The editing is made in a way that reminds me of an avantgarde short film, made by a woman that unfortunately I forgot her name, that repeated constantly: "I am sorry". This is not a master piece, but is so funny (WARNING: there is a lot of swearing). For real avant-garde films go to: ubu.com

No Words

This is what life is about. This picture says it all.

Edited to add, although I was not going to use words ;)

"Explanation: The Great Spiral Galaxy in Andromeda (aka M31), a mere 2.5 million light-years distant, is the closest large spiral to our own Milky Way. Andromeda is visible to the unaided eye as a small, faint, fuzzy patch, but because its surface brightness is so low, casual skygazers can't appreciate the galaxy's impressive extent in planet Earth's sky. This entertaining composite image compares the angular size of the nearby galaxy to a brighter, more familiar celestial sight. In it, a deep exposure of Andromeda, tracing beautiful blue star clusters in spiral arms far beyond the bright yellow core, is combined with a typical view of a nearly full Moon. Shown at the same angular scale, the Moon covers about 1/2 degree on the sky, while the galaxy is clearly several times that size. The deep Andromeda exposure also includes two bright satellite galaxies, M32 and M110 (bottom)."

From: Astronomy Picture of the Day

Breathing Again

I am back from windy tempestuous Holland.
The winds were so fast, that on my way back the airplane took-off in what seemed just too fast, I just hoped the pilot knew what he was doing. Yes I know I have problems with trust.
It was marvellous to go away for a while and to work for 12 hours at the University, between lectures, tutorials, practical work and rehearsals.
The only entertainment was to eat, drink wine and talk with my amazing friends, after hours of work. They tell me I am crazy, but they like me the way I am. It is like fresh air to be around people that like you, just the way you are.

I had to adapt a choreography with my colleagues, which I did in 6 days and with just 2 hours of rehearsal each. They were amazing; I had forgotten what a wonderful experience is to work with professional dancers. They are quick to learn and extremely concentrated. I have to ask myself why people think that dancers are stupid, they definitely are not, just sometimes they have problems articulating with words, at least me.
For example, if I write:
“I like to work in ideas. Even if someone asks me to make an abstract choreography, I create for myself a linear form of thought, like a plot. During my early planning stages I create dance as if it were theatre. Many times it is like laying out a storyboard while trying to discover what I want to say with the intellectual material I find”.
When trying to say the same on words, it would come as:
“I like to work in ideas. Ideas are important for me, the heart of the piece. I need this click to be motivated and actually I am passionate about it….I am thirsty, should I ask for a wine?...What was I talking about? I got distracted looking at that woman that has breast implants, or could it be just the bra?”.

When I write I concentrate in what I am saying, when I talk visual and aural elements distract my thoughts and then I tend to jump from one idea to the next at the speed of light. Yes I know I can look like a lunatic. There has to be a place where I can practice how to talk in a way I look intelligent. I have to give a lecture demonstration in two months. I will begin to practice in front of the mirror, unless my own face distracts me from the flow of my own thoughts.

Yes, it was marvellous to go away for a while. I feel happy again, I was able not just to turn the page, but able to open and begin a new book of my life. I am back and in peace with myself.

Cinema Paradiso

This is one of my favourite films. I have seen it so many times and still it brings tears to my eyes. This is the end of the film, a perfect conclusion about a movie that speaks about the passing of life, friendship and love.

In Amazom.com reviews it is written:

"Giuseppe Tornatore's beautiful 1988 film about a little boy's love affair with the movies deservedly won an Oscar for Best Foreign Film and a Special Jury Prize at Cannes. Philippe Noiret plays a grizzled old projectionist who takes pride in his presentation of screen dreams for a town still recovering from World War II. When a child (Jacques Perrin) demonstrates fascination not only for movies but also for the process of showing them to an audience, a lifelong friendship is struck. This isn't just one of those films for people who are already in love with the cinema. But if you are one of those folks, the emotional resonance between the action in Tornatore's world and the images on Noiret's screen will seem all the greater--and the finale all the more powerful." --Tom Keogh

I will be away for two weeks. I take my memories with me to another country, I hope they stop hurting.

Talk to Her

I haven't seen this movie, they have told me is so beautiful. I love Almodovar's films. When I come back from Holland I will definitaley rent the DVD.

I have been searching for videos (instead of finishing this paper, but is almost done). The first scene of this video catched my attention, perhaps it is the way I feel inside.
I have been so worried about getting old, it is so absurd, the other option is death. What an absurd obsession that I have, perhaps I have to begin to work with people my own age, perhaps this way I will feel "normal", whatever "normal" means.